A fleet footed pole out of Detroit, Jack Szalanski plays like he's batshit crazy. Like the typa player to smash a redbull on his head and shotgun it pregame. Sprinkles smelling salts on his tp to give him that 'competitive edge'. He heard David Goggins say "Stay hard" and now takes a viagra every 6 hours to keep that hard on. No attackman should want to go near this guy. He guards guys out to the parking lot, plays aggressive on ball and has the athleticism to back it up. Always getting his paws dirty in on groundball scrums and arrived on gloves with well timed double teams and slides. Mfs say "can't have shit in Detroit" because of this guy. He loves it there so much hes going to Detroit Mercy, known shithole and bottom-of-the-barrel D1 program to get an shot at cracking Ckav high and late in a early season matinee vs the Fightin Irish. When he's not shooting 20 yd sidearm crankshots and chriping bums, he loves to pet dogs, listen to Rio da young OG, and hitting chest and tris. At chipotle, he likes double steak and no beans. Keep your daughters out of the motor city unless you want some little Szalanskis running around!
On ball: 9.2/10
Athleticism: 8.8/10
Mullet: 8.9/10
IQ: 8.4/10
Rice purity score: 18
Grit: 9.2/10
Overall: 88/100
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