1) Notre Dame
We simply don’t see these guys slowing down in 2025. They are bringing back a good core from last year’s team in Ckav, Jake Taylor, Devon McLane, Will Lynch, and Jordan Faison. They are the favorite heading into the Spring so it will be up to the “South Bend Suction Cups” to keep these guys moving right come May. Jordan Faison may fuck around and win “light skin male of the year” and get drafted to the league next year so hopefully he doesn’t fuck that up by impregnating a Tri Delt.
2) Syracuse
We have said it every year since 2013, but it feels as if this year, Syracuse may actually be back. They return nearly all of their offense, including their junior class, which has mastered the art of a Saturday night. There is something in the water on Euclid this year, and we at this firm think Gary Gait will be able to get back to championship weekend. Spallina, Thompson, Leo, English, Hiltz, and Rhoa are just a few headliners that the Orange will have in 2025. It will be interesting to see who fills the void between the pipes this year.
3) Duke
With the recent news of the 2006 Duke Lax rape accuser, Crystal Mangum, finally admitting she lied, the sky is quite possibly the limit for the men in royal and white. The Blue Devils bring in a shit load of transfers like Graham Blake, Eric Malever, and Tommy Drago (dawg) who will step right into roles left open by seniors who graduated last year. With Cousin O’Neill leaving it will be intriguing to see who pops a rhino pill and takes the reigns of this offense. This team can most definitely find themselves playing on Championship Weekend as long as Dino keeps the elf bars stocked at all times. LETS PARTY LIKE ITS 06
4) Virginia
Although we put the Cavs in the fourth spot, they certainly can find themselves in the top two of the ACC by the end of the year. They are bringing back key pieces in Millon, Schutz, and Colsey, and bring in guys like Balsamo, Greenspan, and Hackett in the portal. Virginia lost arguably more point production than any team last year so it will be interesting to see if Lars has them drinking IPAs, taking shrooms, and discussing faith pregame. Ben Wayer and Matt Nunes being back is huge for the defense. Hopefully we will see some Ryan Duenkel action on Klöckner and sorority row.
5) UNC
The Tarheels come into the 2025 season very similar to the likes of Virginia: a solid group of transfers, young talent to build off of, and endless possibilities. Michael Gianforcaro (Princeton), Spencer Wirtheim (Cornell), and Drew Scott (TCU Football) are three new additions that should step right into the starting lineup. The sophomore campaign of Owen Duffy looks to be nothing short of spectacular, and Dom Pietramala will still be cheefing his Lost Mary postgame. Speaking of Owen Duffy, we expect every UNC sorority sister’s future kids to have some strands of “Dick-her-down” Duffy’s DNA in them.
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