Towson
The Tigers are the clear front-runner to win the CAA heading into 2025 as they return a solid core from last year’s championship team and have been fine-tuning their hummus cannons on every day that ends in Y. Mikey Weisshaar has been dragging his dick around campus so hard the last couple of years that he has severe rug burn on it. Chop Gallagher is back for his 5th year and has left a gaping hole in the female N.A.R.P. class of 2028. I am hard as a rock thinking about that matchup with Cuse on February 10th.
Delaware
From winning back-to-back CAA titles in ‘22 and ‘23 to losing to Towson last year in ‘24, the 2025 season seems unpredictable for the Blue Hens. They lost their top two point scorers last year, JP Ward and Mike Robinson, but bring back their third-leading scorer, John McCurry. Based on the spike in the amount of Ketamine levels in the greater Newark area, the guys are exactly where they need to be. Brendan Powers is ready to let his primal side out, and Kevin Ellington is back for his 5th year, ready to OD on Fortnite and xans.
Drexel
This is a team that could surprise a lot of people if they get their shit together in the next couple of weeks of preseason. They return their top four leading point scorers, including the pussy magnet, Luke Tomak. Cousin Luke could be the sole reason the Dragons make a run at the CAA chip, and if they don’t have a team formal, because he is taking every goddamn female on campus. They have a fairly easy non-conference slate, so spirits could be high as they head into always chaotic and unpredictable CAA play.
Fairfield
The Stags have been the most consistently mediocre program in all of lacrosse over the last couple of years, so hopefully, they will finish this season more than a game over .500. They lost last year’s leading point scorer to John Tillman’s liberal agenda in College Park. Will Consoli and Jake Gilbert will look to fill the void left by Fent Ford, which believe me, are some hefty shoes to fill. Luckily there is an abundance of blonde whores all across the campus so the guys will be alright. Sources are telling us the whole sophomore class was naked at Santa Con.
Stony Brook
After going a fucking horrendous 4-10 last year, the Seawolves obviously look to improve, but it depends if they give a shit or not. Word on the street is that the coaches have lost the locker room for good reason: sending and fucking. This team is nose deep in bag every Thursday-Sunday and has been on a constant bender since their 23-2 win vs. Hampton last year. Captain goalie Jamo MacLachlan is back for his senior year and will look build off of a solid career on and off the field. Other goalie Tommy Wilk will continue to play his guitar to get huzz and will be lucky if he goes 1/10.
Hofstra
Hofstra is a team that could fuck around and find themselves playing in the conference championship or right at the bottom of the standings. Not below Hampton, of course. They return two of their top three-point scorers from last year, losing Griffin Turner to the portal (Ohio State). One interesting thing to look for this year is that they bring in goalie Jonathan Singer from Ursinus. He is either fat Jesus in net or that one Notre Dame guy from 2010. There is always a surplus of bag on the island which will make or break the Pride’s year. Time will tell in Hempstead.
Monmouth
This program is lost and realistically belongs at the bottom of the MAAC. They finished last year 5-8 with their biggest accomplishment being a one-goal loss to Villanova. Their two leading scorers last year were freshman Brendan Dundas who totaled 22 goals and 10 assists and sophomore Connor Gorman who went for 23 and 9. These guys have to be running the meanest two mans in Long Branch and definitely wake up hung like tits on a hog every Sunday morning. The schools acceptance rate is 91% so all it takes is a C in Algebra 1 and a fruit rollup offering to get in.
Hampton
Not sure if you guys have ever seen the movie Saving Private Ryan, but the Hampton men’s lacrosse program is F.U.B.A.R. FUCKED UP BEYOND ALL RECOGNITION. They are 0-35 over the past three seasons against D1 opponents and have amassed one win over D3 Wabash. Luckily for the Pirates, they return their leading point scorer from last season who balled the fuck out and clearly ripped the fenty cart pregame because he finished the year with 10 genos and 2 apples. The only way is UP for Chazz Woodson and his staff so hopefully they get a win.
Comments