1. Army
Going into this season, expect the Black Knights to be playing every game like they just jumped out of a fucken C-130 Hercules right over Fallujah.They bring back a bunch of weapons, including Jackson Eicher, Evan Plunkett, Gunnar Fellows, and Will Coletti. After not making the tournament last year, our troops head into 2025 living off of Gun Metal flavored zyns and grass fed Bald Eagle.AJ Pilate is back as one of the best cover guys in the country and Bennet Ong is ready to pick up a shift at the tavern at any given moment.
2. Boston
The Terriers lost a lot of point production from last season, but word on the street is that their new freshman class has been slanging dick like it's their job, so the men in Beantown will be just fine. They bring back Brenden Kelly, who has been chain smoking cigs on Nickerson Field in his salmon-colored Peter Millar shirt since Labor Day weekend #BuzzSaw. A little birdie told me that newcomer Mikey Rooney is the second coming of Hakeem Lecky with flares of Myles Thompson...time will tell.
3. Loyola
The Greyhounds are in similar company to the Terriers as they also lost a shit ton of gunslingers on the offensive end from last year. They will rely heavily on Matthew Minicus to take the reigns of this offensive and teach the underclassmen the difference between the Tri Delt communal showers and a BoarsHead deli. That may explain why last year's third-leading point scorer, Davis Lindsey took his talents down to the sunshine state to play for the Tampa Spartans for this fifth year. The women there are all wheels with no grill, and every weekend is a bag weekend.
4. Lehigh
WHO'S CAR ARE WE GONNA TAKE. Heading into the '25 season, I bet no one in Bethlehem, PA knows for sure, but one thing they can be sure about is that the Mountain Hawks are going to fight tooth and nail come May and will butt chug a tall boy Natty Ice at a moments notice. Andrew Kelly and Dakota Eierman will be the go-to guys after the departure of Scott Cole and Quinn Armstrong. We at this firm are proud to say that the last time Quinn played a game was against us, where he got utterly fucking embarrsed after pretending he was the boy pregame, and then completley switching up after losing to Upper Decky LC. Suck on this long rod, Quinn.
5. Colgate
This team is frisky...and I kinda fucking love it. We should all remember last season when they went on the road to Happy Valley and stunned the Nittany Lions in week one. This year, they make that same trip...so we will see if lightning strikes twice for the Raiders. They finished last season 8-7, which is one of the best marks for the program in a while...but unfortunately, they lost Upper Decky financial legend Michael Minicus to the workforce. Guys like Rory Connor, Hunter Drouin, Jack Turner, and Johnny Hartzell will have their balls shaved like a hairless cat by the time February 1st at 1:00 pm rolls around.
6. Navy
This is another team that is dangerous and always playing with fire. Henry Tolker is their only top point scorer they return as Xavier Arline and Max Hewitt have already boarded the Arleigh Burke-class destroyer to fuck shit up in foreign waters across the world. If I was a Somali pirate I would be shitting my arse if I saw the triple-option QB turned dual threat X attackman, Xavier Arline coming at me with nothing but a desert eagle and STX Rival on his dome. If the Midshipmen don't play with their food in the beginning of the season and get a Hopkins-like upset again, they could be making a run at the league chip.
7. Lafayette
This team is coming off of their best record in program history, so any Lafayette fan (if there are any) should be somewhat hopeful heading into the 2025 season.
Their signature win last season was beating Boston as time expired on that sick, broken, full-field fuckery that went down on Nickerson field. Unfortunately, the Leopards lost four out of their five leading scores from last year, including Kalman Kraham, Easton PA's favorite looks maxer. The men on this team have been known to play three intense rounds of tonsil hockey with the womens soccer team every Saturday night, so they are winning one way or another.
8. Bucknell
I don't know what to make of this team but one thing I do know is that they are loaded from shaft to tip with legendary senders. The Bison return their top 10 point scorers from last season, which is probably the most of any team in the country. It is just a matter of whether the boys want to continue to muck barn till the cows come home or actually try to win some games. The random departure of Dutch Furlong has definitely set this program back at least a decade, so Coach Fedorjaka has to figure out who this years team sherpa is going to be.
9. Holy Cross
Holy fucken hell, these boys are bloody dog shit. You got to feel a little sorry for Coach Reppert as he went from Maryland to this flaming pile of fuckery up in Worcester. They graduate their leading point scorer from last year who put up a measly 25. My son Ryker is averaging more yards per carry than that in his Pop Warner league. Figure it the fuck out. One suggestion we have is that the coaches tape all the boys hands to their team issued Nike Vapors so they stop fiddling their johnsons during line drills. Could be some food for thought. I just hope the Crusaders have fun this year and touch copious amounts of bag.
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