D3 Party Rankings
- Oswald Van Bismark
- Apr 11
- 3 min read
Colorado College
This school is up and coming, like fucking in an elevator. I had the chance to spend some time out there this past winter and I damn near almost caught a buzz just walking around campus. This is another team that is stacked from tip to shaft with prep school snow plows that are more familiar with the scent of their house key than the Principles of Microeconomics 7th Edition textbook they all shouldn’t be reading. Pretty solid lax team but what is even more impressive is that these guys can still run shit around town even though their hockey team is much more handsome and hung. The bar scene is certainly respectable, and the weed tastes better than a Kappa Gamma’s box after drinking pineapple juice all week.
Geneseo
This team is sleeper as fuck but they go harder than the concrete dildo in ya motha’s asssss. Located in the middle of nowhere, they literally have nothing to do other than spam whippits and shuck clam. Believe it or not, there are actually a ton of hot chicks at this place even though it is a janky SUNY school where a degree isn’t worth more than a handful of nickels and a Tootsie Pop. They are mediocre as fuck but will celebrate a win against an even more mediocre SUNY Oneonta team like they just won the motherfucking Super Bowl. An average night out with a Knights men’s lax player consists of doing molly off a Tri Delt’s ass with a Pokemon card, three somes in the psychology building, and spooning feeding key bumps to the blue-haired social sciences major in hopes of getting an over the pants hand job.
Trinity
This team arguably goes harder than anyone in the country, regardless of division, financial status, or body count. Luckily for the Bantams, they are leading the nation in those three statistics. They started the year balls to the wall but have since dropped two in a row to teams that have never smashed their nose through a table once in their life. There is an abundance of blow and blondes at this school which is a lethal combo considering every kid on their team is from a scummy prep school. An average night out for Trinity men's lax player consists of soaking his balls in Saratoga Spring Water, jamming a black and mild up his ass for safekeeping, and painting face with a women's squash player. Cam Elenteny is a D1 eater.
Denison
Up in the rolling hills of Ohio, stands a fine institution that is fueled on Irish car bombs and biblical tits. Since the Battle of Bunker Hill the Denison Big Red have cemented themselves as the mecca of D3 sending in the midwest. They consistently put out a respectable product on the field and have never failed to get a misdemeanor on a Saturday night. My cousin Vinny used to be a dmid there before he transferred to Nassau CC, then to Holy Cross, then to Holy Cross Club. Guy was a fucken renaissance man if I’ve ever seen one. Before he departed for Fairfield, Luke Fisher taught the underclassmen the art of tonsil hockey and how to get a tough ground ball. That is real ass love.
Salisbury
The Seagulls are no doubt the best team on this list, but they also get fucken after it. Located on the tropical shores of Maryland, these guys have unprotected sex every day that ends in Y. Brice Bromwell is on a war path this season and has not even touched a woman. He is very familiar with his right hand. Coach Jim Berkman has been around since the early 50s and has gotten the last man on the depth chart a Porhub Premium membership every year since. Jude Brown started the tradition of eating a bag of anal beads with Baja Blast before every game and this year's squad has taken that to new heights. I would rather insert needles into my cock than have a shotgun comp against these guys.