Boys it has been a brutal winter full of whiskey cokes and Colombian nostril fuel but it’s about that time of the year where I send the wife and kids to Italy all spring. This season looks to be much more balanced and hopefully notre dame doesn’t beat everyone by 300. Not sure how I’ll cope losing cousin Dobson and big country Cormier, but there is a plethora of bag sniffing skinheads coming up through the rankings. Guarantee at least 6 teams on this list will walk out to that new gelo song.
1.Notre Dame
Hard to say otherwise right now Devon McLane told his dad to piss off about taking over the family business and is ready to be the best midfielder in lacrosse next year. Ckav, Taylor, and Faison returning as well makes this a top tier offense next season. Corrigan and I actually spent the summer fishing the waters around Costa Rica and praying for Donald Trump to take office. Solid dude. Shawn Lyght is hands down the top cover pole in the nation and this defense as a group should be elite as well. The question mark will be if anyone can match what Uncle Enty did during his career. I have heard coach Mathers has been working closely with the Irish tendies.
2.Syracuse
A young team last year, I think they take a big step in the right direction this year. Granted, in cuse fashion, I guarantee they’ll lose to a shitter to start the year due to the Paladinos sweats mixed with Kona big waves and light blue American spirits, but I have faith this year. They return just about everyone except for the legend Will Mark. Will now plays overseas for the Al Shafik Dragons in the newly founded Saudi League but he still sends us pictures of naked girls he takes on the subway. You will be missed Willy. Coach Gait recently opened up a hot dog stand business for himself. Defense should be elite as well with Dwan, Figueiras and handsome Nick Caccamo leading the pack. Has anyone heard from Jordan Vincent? Where did he go? Trey Deere smoked all my fucking Reds last weekend, give him some burn Gait.
3.Maryland
So Braden “mooseknuckles” Erksa spent the offseason practicing witchcraft and blacksmithing so expect big things from the kid. Prediction for this squad is McNaney returns to being the best goalie in college lacrosse this year. Had what I would consider a down year last year but this guy is the Jim Craig of the lacrosse world. I want the kid who wouldn’t take the test kinda guy. Eric Spanos and big time transfer Jack Dowd should be fucking electric additions to the Erksa led Terps. Tillman is the best coach in college lacrosse but I haven’t seen the guy since January 6th a couple years back. Solid dude. Replacing Ajax on defense is gonna be tough, Peter Laake has some big shoes to fill but this kid might be gross. Loyola Blakefield produces Tren infused meat sticks so expect him to be a dawg. Not the best Maryland roster I’ve ever seen, but still loaded. Spencer Ford is yet to speak to a woman this year, not good if he’s looking to have an impact.
4.Princeton
Maybe the first time ive ever ranked an Ivy League team in the top 5 but the tigers have grown on me a bit. Do I still think The Ivy’s are stupid? Yes. But, Coulter Mackesy and Nate Kabiri make a case for the best attack duo in the country. I do pop a chub once in a while watching these kids play some good ole fashioned ball. None of that spin move and hurdling crap you see those thugs in the NFL doing these days. Chad “thunderthighs” Palumbo rounds off this attack group, I would hope, and I expect the tigers to run through their conference this year. Another team losing their starting tendy though. Defense could also be a question mark, but we will see. One of the richest squads in the country, I worked with multiple team fathers at blackrock.
5.UVA
Seeing quite a few people sleeping on the hoos this year and I can’t say I’m 100% sure on why. Ryan “blumpkin” duenkel is fucking nasty from what I’ve heard. Also if you guys didn’t know about McCabe? Like it’s McCabe. Offense does lose a lot to be fair, but good lord the recruiting classes are ridiculous. John Schroter and Ben Wayer should be two of the best poles in the nation and maybe Nunes will actually see the ball this year. Rumors that Lars watched multiple Danowski coaching tapes so maybe he’ll start having a plan heading into games. Galaxy Gas Balsamo will be very fun to see in a UVA jersey I expect him to take on a sizable role early. Roster is still loaded, but their young stars may not be what they can in a couple years. Duenkel and I go to the same church.
6.Georgetown
It is sleeper time in the top 20 boys. The team we consistently consider fraudulent losers,(shoutout anderson Moore for the UD reference) may actually be a threat this year. I’m sorry Anderson for the things we said, I believe in you this year. Recruiting classes are consistently getting better and better somehow considering this school is located in the fruity capital of the world. DuPont circle ain’t too far if you get what I’m saying. This defense is fucking yucky. Ty Banks’s made multiple tapes with emily Willis over the summer and has mastered the art of the houdini with the law school birds at Gtown. For those unaware, give that a search on google and picture him and his jawline pulling that off. Look for Kade Goldberg to score 150 this year and start his own Investment banking firm. Yes on offense they lost a ton but i just got that feeling this year that they’re gonna take that next step. Dont be surprised if we see them in the final four. Guarantee you that other lib company puts em at 13 or something.
7. Duke
There is no team on this list that lost more than the devils as far as talent. However, these guys will be on a mission with the recent news about that hoax I won’t mention to avoid the libs suing me. Benn Johnston and Mighty Mouse Mcadorey are going to step into big roles this year with the help of arguably the best transfer class in the nation. Eric Malever, who I will say I’m disappointed in for leaving, is a man rocket with a wrister that makes my wife ask for an open relationship. Problem with duke, as I’ve been saying forever, is danowski over coaching. Let the boys play old head. Nikolas Menendez and Ben McCarthy are the best recruits at their positions and they’ll need to come up big to replace players like Naso and Big Kenny Brower. Blue razz elf bars are still cool fellas.
8.Cornell
Another Ivy team, what the fuck has happened to me. Do I tug rope to Carc sayin how Gritty and tough Kirst is? Sure. Do I picture Kirst and my younger self tearing it up on and off the field? Sure. Their top 5 scorers all return and as we know, the Ivy’s do not play defense. This team will score a shit ton this year and also allow the most goals against. I’ve been told Cornell is known as the fake Ivy League school to which I say good for you guys. Not too serious of a contender to me, but they should have a solid record on the year.
9.Army
YUP. Put a long stick in Bennet Ong’s hands and this team would be lights out on defense. Jacob “pookie” Morin and Reese “sausage” Burek have graduated unfortunately, but a lot of their core is back. The best fogo in the nation, arguably the best cover pole, and the most wholesome middie in evan plunkett. Evan spends most afternoons building legos and facetiming his parents. His brother is joining this year and rumors are he’s even better. I don’t believe it evan. Jackson Eicher weighs 260 now, from what I’ve heard, he’s been eating the beef chili MREs all summer long. Team started strong last year, and let’s be honest, shit the bed to finish it. The black knights better dial it in, and I look forward to another army vs navy game this year. Tell big Ricci to let me drive a tank onto the field.
10.Johns Hopkins
Rounding out the top 10 we have the pride of Baltimore. Pretty much their entire roster graduated but I’m ready for the young guns to step up. A few seniors remain including Ed Sheeran Melendez as well as some big time transfers like Pat Hackler himself. Since he no longer plays for DEI University, we have become fans of his. If milliman can’t start making title runs at this blue blood school, it’s time for Petro to come back. This teams success depends on how many long blonde haired fucks are on the field at once. Bring back the good ole Hopkins days. The 2023 freshman class should have a big impact this year with Hunter Chauvette leading the way, and look out for some Iler kid who was injured last year, good dude, he sold me sideline swap gear outside a Sheetz once.
11.Denver
Really do not know much about this squad except every Canadian pothead attends this school so I’m gonna give them some burn. Another team losing a shit ton of talent with a lot of people I haven’t necessarily heard of joining. Guessing there is a guy named Cade or Cody who will light it up for them this year? Hit the slopes and beat duke at some point in the season and I’ll view it as a solid year.
12.UNC
Call me crazy here, but this is the year even fossil Breschi can’t fuck this team up. Abby wambach or something at the faceoff dot with jawline Duffy leading the O? Yea I’ll be meat riding the Tar Heels until my next swinger party in Pensacola. Big Dom and Matan should have 25 zips each this year. Gianforcaro is a big time transfer who’ll add some glue to this young core. Team looked disabled and unstoppable at the same time last year and I expect a step in the right direction. Let’s not forget how close they were to making an ACC tourney run. Suck it Brennan oneill. The ACC is going to be gross this year as always which is a rough sign for these fellas but ya never know.
13.Yale
Brandau plays for a whipsnake.
Parties are beat.
Soelberg carried this team.
Might actually be pretty good but I hope not.
14.Penn State
TJ Malone should have blackmailed the NCAA for another 5 years of eligibility. Whatever. Traynor and Fracyon. Nuff said. Yes tj would throw the squad on his back sometimes but they still had some big time talent around him. A lot of seniors in their starting lineup I’m dialed in for what is the last ride for the old guys. Jack Posey is reportedly teaching Grinding & Success 202 at the university and still hits the wall in between lectures. Never give up. Love you Professor Posey.
15.Ohio state
Yes the buckeyes crack the top 15. Why? They return all of their top five scorers and get Bobby van buren back on defense. Guy is a fucking moose. Caleb fyock is an upperdecky hero so expect big things from him. They lose their midfield, but replace it with Liam white a boys Latin man child. A five star recruit with a solid horn from sources on the buckeyes women’s field hockey team. No threat to win a natty, but maybe make a big ten run? Conference is wide open every year regardless of how good the squads are.
16.UPenn
James Shipley graduated at the ripe age of 31 and I’m not sure how they’ll replace a guy like that. Could be a very solid squad depending on this freshman class’s impact. Brendan Lavelle actually makes me smile from time to time mainly for that performance against Brennan oneill last year. I refuse to stop hating for simply no reason though.
17.Quinnipiac
Fire up the fucking engines boys. Gonna be honest, they graduated pretty much fucking everybody, but they have Carey Price in net in his senior year. Yes, I’m talking about mason oak. Guys roster is filled out with Marist team moms, and Swedish birds from the women’s hockey team. The cocaine capital of New England will be buzzing this year. All of you sellout fans wouldn’t understand the loyalty to such a storied program. Give cole Marsala the keys to the offense and let mason poli cook up on that sideline. #Pacccccc
18.Boston
Look, not the most stacked roster this year, but ever since I attended a game last year, I get chubbed when I think of those all red jerseys. Brenden Kelly is going to take on a huge role in this offense I’m expecting a 70 point season from number 3. Probably the only fun school in the city, with a great pipeline into the finance world. Could be very wrong about this squad, but I’m going to give them 5 booms regardless. Don’t let me down.
19.Towson
Nobody wants to play this team in the yoffs. Every fucking year. Mikey Weisshaar is not afraid of the bright lights and maybe that’s just the shrooms in his system, but this kid is gross. Constantinides is an all time lax name you just know this guy has a ridiculous assortment of pinnies for darties and what not. A lot of seniors on this squad I expect some noise from the tigers.
20.Drexel
Luke Tomak is back following a very stressful and controversial offseason. Yes I am talking about the rumors of him joining pat Spencer in the G league. A bruising power forward in high school often drew comparisons to Zach Randolph, has decided to stick with lax. Haven’t seen a team celebrating trumps inauguration more than the drags and I’m not surprised. One of the fogos dads pretty much owns the state of Connecticut. #forzaitalia
Great group of captains and a goalie who recently learned the Hindi language for the fuck of it. Durkins probably snooping around their lockers right now using his excellent sense of smell to sniff out any drugs. Real back the blue type of guy. Witt Crawford is a certified bag hound.
HM:
Colgate
Villanova
LIU