Yes I missed last week I was experimenting with some jelqing techniques in Sri Lanka and meeting with African tribes about elongating my horn. Even a little girth would help me out. This is one of the best seasons of lacrosse I think I’ve ever watched. Shoutout to all of you worms giving us all these barn burners. Enough with the wholesome shit though, teams that are losing 21-5 or 24-3, consider hanging up the cleats. Won’t say any names here but simply check the scores from the weekend and you know who I’m talking about. Made love to my wife with push ups by drake bumping on repeat. What a song.
HM:
Boston Bruins
Albany
Bryant
Michigan
Ohio state
20. Salisbury
Dawg. They just won a game 29-2. Who cares if it’s a shitbox. Division 3 lacrosse is unreal sometimes. Jude brown has 85 fucking points in 16 games. They could honestly beat some of these teams with no goalie. I don’t think the fellas have ever missed a whippit Wednesday.
19. Quinnipiac
The day I stop believing is the day I die. Won’t throw any shade at LIU, but I was told that everytime the pacc had the ball on offense, they were given some greasers or had a remote controlled ball. Mickey Mouse loss it doesn’t count. A loss doesn’t matter when you think about the thraxing these boys do post game. On to the next, you were cheated out of this one.
18. Colgate
What do you get when you mix HgH and heroine? These raiders of course! Minicus’s fists are made of volcanic rock and his thigh gap is so tender and luscious. Fuckkkkkk. Rory connors nicknamed his nutsack Ricky Bobby due to his need to always finish first. 3 minutes is a long time, don’t listen to the whiners Rory. Johnny Hartzell recently ate part of an asteroid when he was bored. Doctors hate this guy. Spencer Harvey is now a projected upper decky all American following his celly performance. NAILGUNS.
17. St Joe’s
Haven’t talked about them at all but you know what, it’s time to start paying attention. I did not realize they’ve won 9 fucking games in a row. One more and I’ll send them a kilo of blow through my fat fucking sons drop shipping company. Fucking heater against Richmond coming up. I’ll be tuning in. Maybe. Matt “swimshirt” bohmer and Levi “Silverado” anderson lead this team in scoring and happy dad’s shottied. One of those schools that isn’t your first choice, but gives you the tools to become a degen.
16. Richmond
Dalton young is a Tewaaraton finalist. Granted that list is bullshit, but I agree with this man being on there. Someone better send me a picture of his jawline later. Lance madonna scored a hat trick which means the umass mothers flooded row 3 of the bleachers. Fuckkkkk. Better dial in for this weekend.
15. Delaware
You guys suck for beating drexel I hope the eternal flame eats at you guys. They almost beat duke last year so it’s okay I guess. JP “Old Spice” Ward and Mike “chocolate cake” Robinson pretty much do everything on O for these fellas. Idk, some fuckin missiles at this school, unfair advantage.
14. Towson
Another team on a sneaky run right now. Nick “mongoose” Demaio is leading these boys on some wild post game festivities from what I’ve heard. Constantly bumping the Mexican OT and receiving Handies on Thursdays. These fellas just want to murder people I fuckin love it.
13. Princeton
EAT SHIT PENN. Nate Kabiri with 5 points and Mackesy shooting the ball at 18% led the tigers to a win over the biggest losers in the state of Pennsylvania. Joking coulter, just having some fun. This team is going to be great in the future. 2026 they will playing on Memorial Day weekend. Chad palumbo probably has a weak aux, mostly consists of yeat.
12. Georgetown
Didn’t write about their loss to Denver last week but you all probably know how I feel about that shit. Alex vardaro is the only reason I haven’t shit liquid on the dog statue for that loss. Good bounce back, but I’m still mad.
11. Yale
Good win over a tough team… but that shit was rigged. Rumors that the refs received blowies from a few players in the locker room pregame and received large sums of money from a few parents. Mickey Mouse team. Cornell owns them.
10. Denver
Every time I see their name I think of which team will upset them in the first round. Like have fun and shit but this team being ranked so high by other bum companies is ridiculous.
9. Penn St
Tough win against Rutgers. “Jack posey is playing.” I repeat this to myself whenever I’m having a bad day or I get too angry. His chiseled, joyful face just has this effect on me I can’t even describe. Interesting to see where tj Malone finishes in the tewaarton race, he won’t win cause the committee is made up of Nancy Pelosi’s relatives, but I sure as fuck think he should.
Whatever.
8. Maryland
Yes they lost, but what a damn game. Who knows what seed they’ll be but I definitely wouldn’t want to play them. Can beat anyone just depends how hard they want to try. Logan “lumberjack” Mcnaney and the terps are going to be scary. Braden Erksa is an avid nuru massage activist.
7. Cornell
Thank you for beating the crimson boys. CJ kirsts pecker has been nicknamed Forrest Gump apparently for the way it loves chocolate box. They own the Ivy League, Yale doesn’t deserve an at large bid. Only the big red. Michael “red rocket” long with a sneaky season, I bet he pulls his pud to some August Ames (RIP) on Monday mornings.
6. Army
They’ve bounced back since a 3 week shitshow. Reese Burek not being on the final Tewaaraton list just proves our point on how lib the committee is. Eicher and plunkett could’ve been on that list too. Sean Byrne stepping up big time as of late, is this the new Knox dent? It’s time to dial in though, the PL postseason is upon us. I’ll be hitting my bowl and yelling at my kids to mow the lawn and grab me Busch lights for me. Go army.
5. UVA
1-2 in ACC play is not what I envisioned for the cavs. What the fuck gentlemen? Treating this like it’s some throwaway game up in Rochester. Need to beat notre dame if I’m to have faith in them getting to championship weekend. Shelly and Cormier will need to continue dominating if they’re gonna have a chance.
4. Duke
Bye week so they aren’t ranked as high as they maybe should. Uva game was crazy, haven’t seen duke’s offense go off like that in a long time. Brennan probably also cooks grilled cheeses late at night when his roommates are asleep.
3. Johns Hopkins
Best team in the big 10 I think everyone can agree with that. Gritty win against Maryland, am I the only one who didn’t know they had a trophy for that shit? It looks cool so whatever. Maybe I’m juuling too much. Angelus started shooting the ball again so they are back to being scary. I can’t help but root for the jays at times, Garret “Dude Wipes” Degnon continues to tear shit up I love it.
2. Syracuse
If they’re not ranked number 2 by every god damn poll, just consider these companies bought out by Dr Fauci. They have beaten the last three teams I just listed off. “But greg they lost to Maryland and Cornell” shut up pussy. They lost on purpose to show character development. The carrier dome is the greatest place to play in no doubt about it. Just a river of ejaculate when I watch these games. Billy “O’Neills father” dwan left his horn on the field Saturday night good lord this guy riles me up. Will mark and tommy drago must’ve had an amazing weekend. Cocaine, coors light, and aphi broads. Sums up the orangemen’s post game festivities.
Notre dame
UNC game wasn’t close, these guys are on a roll. Uva game is the final test for these guys. If they win that game, I’m gonna write in these hammers winning the ship. Wagon. Cried myself to sleep thinking about cousin Dobson and cousin Entemann graduating this year. Shit.
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