February 9th, 2024, history was made. The Iona Gaels beat the Hampton Pirates by a score of 13-9 in front of a crowd that was about three seconds away from putting a bullet in their head after the war crimes that were committed at Armstrong Stadium. Both teams, searching for their first Dl win, were ready to blow their load after not seeing a W since Edgar Allen Poe was balls deep in Florence Nightingale's leather starfish way back in the day. The aftermath was what you could expect for a team desperate for a victory, and is as follows:
Several Iona players were seen playing balsamic foreskin tag with members of the men’s swimming team around 2:37 am after the team Uber got back to campus. Leading scorer Cullen Lawry had a threesome with a girl who had an absolute shitter on her and one who is extremely below average that would take me three Four Lokos and five tabs of acid to get with.
Iona coach Chad Surman butt-chugged a tall boy Natty Ice and then went full McCabe and sent pics of his flaccid pecker to the Hampton AD’s motha. I would follow this guy into Hell with a fucking squirt gun.
Losing to barely legal college teams is like clockwork at this point for Hampton, so their players didn’t do anything special to celebrate their almost-win on Sunday. Just some Honey pack infused Bud Light and a 13-hour Chaturbate bender to ease them into their Sunday.
Word on the street is that both teams shared a backwoods on the Pirate logo post-game to toast to new beginnings and bring back the triangle top string. Both teams woke up feeling like Kyle Marr circa 2017 and hung like a painting on a wall. It was most definitely a bag weekend.
Congratulations Iona, you will not win another game until you play Hampton next year.
Good fucking riddance.