What’s up you fucking morons. Preston Carmichael Prescott III here, back with a vengeance after a bit of a hiatus (I was on a 6 month bender) with the task of covering Michigan Wolverines vs. UNC Tar Heels. Buckle up, because this is going to be an absolute bag-sniffing, zyn-packing, booze-festival.
Let’s start with the Michigan Wolverines, the absolute juggernaut of the season so far (they’re had one game). These guys came out swinging their dicks in their opener, absolutely Bonnie Blue’ing the entire school over at Marquette University. It wasn’t even a game, honestly. Marquette’s supposed scoring machine, O'Grady, had zero impact against Michigan's defense. Let me tell you, Michigan’s Billings, Van Wees, and Whitney are a nightmare for anyone, including your mother and/or sista. These bag-shredding buffoons are straight-up relentless, and they will make you pay for every little mistake.
But here’s the thing: Michigan isn’t just about defense. They’ve got a few booze fiends that know how to light up the scoreboard. Ryan ‘Cocaine’ Cohen, Jack ‘Jameson Shots’ Jenkins, Aidan ‘Aids Giver’ Mulholland, and former Bowdoin Polar Bear Will Byrne are like a pack of wolves ready to tear through any defense, and sorority girls beaver. These are some of the most electrifying players out there, and when they start clicking and doing key bumps, it's over.
One of the most exciting matchups in this game will be the Weller vs. Wambach showdown. Brady Wambag was a freshman phenom last year—this kid can eight ball. But don’t sleep on Jackie Weller. Weller’s been stuck behind Weidfeldt up until now, but here’s the thing: this is his chance to step up and prove he belongs on the same stage as the best. If Weller can shut down Wambach or at least hold his own, this game should be a cakewalk for the Wolverines. But trust me, if Wambag starts dominating, the Tar Heels could potentially prevail.
Now, let’s talk about the North Carolina Tar Heels. These guys are on a mission, and if there’s two things we know, it’s that they’ve got some serious talent, and they love to touch bag and shotgun four lokos with their absolute boys. An opposing coach already said it best about Tarheel Star Owen Duffy: “He can beat you off the dribble, even against the best defensemen, and then he can steal your girlfriend and touch bag off her coochie” . Duffy is a game-changer, and if he can find his rhythm, Michigan’s defense is going to have its hands (and ass holes) full.
But Duffy isn’t the only weapon. You’ve got Brady Wambach again (yes, the same Wambag), who was a beast in the faceoff circle and ground balls last year. Plus, there’s Paul "Big American" Barton, a defensive powerhouse who will throw punches and make sure Michigan knows this isn’t going to be a walk in the park. If UNC wants to make some noise this season, these three need to show up big time. Dom Pietramala is also pretty good and likely likes to touch bag. He looks like he has definitely smoked weed and done shroom chocolates before but I could also be totally wrong. He has a great shot and I can see him as a close second points wise to Duffy in the 2025 campaign.
UNC isn’t just relying on the old guard, though. They’ve got some serious newcomers. Michael Gianforcaro, the graduate transfer goalie from Princeton, is pretty filthy and has hands faster than a crackhead at the train station. Then there’s Nick DuPuis, a grad transfer attackman from Stony Brook. I know for a fact that almost every SBU Seawolf does cocaine so I’m guessing maybe there’s a chance he brought down some powder for the boys in preseason, this meaning his team will ultimately cruise to an undefeated national championship.
Alright, here’s the deal: Michigan is stacked and does coke, drinks beer, packs Zyn, the whole nine yards… I’m pretty sure they also do whippets. Not to mention, they’ve got the defense, the offense, and the swagger to back it up. Their defense is locked in, and their offense can light up any team. The Wolverines are the total package, and if Weller can keep Wambag in check, Michigan should cruise to a victory.
But don’t you dare count out UNC. They do drugs and drink too. With Duffy back in full force, Wambag doing his thing, and the added depth (and potential coke) from transfers like Gianforcaro and DuPuis, UNC’s got a real chance to pull off. victory. They’ve got the firepower to make this one hell of a fight, and they’ll be coming for Michigan’s throat.
So here’s my final prediction: Michigan Wolverines take it and ultimately throat fuck the Tar Heels on their home turf, but it’s going to be a war. If UNC can put it all together and find their chemistry, we might just have ourselves a classic on our hands. Either way, grab your beers, or your eight-ball, or whatever you fancy, really. Find a good seat, and get ready to watch some straight-up booze hounds get after one another on February 8th.
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