My Top 24 High School Teams.

1. Calvert hall 

The Cards have been dominating all year ever since coach Bryan Kelly mandated creatinemaxxing and daily shroom cart rips. 3 OT wins this year means they’re a couple bad bounces away from 3-3 but shit they can finish a game I guess. Big one today vs Boys Latin.

2. St. Anthony's

The alumni (Aidan Danenza) paid for Bonnie Blue to visit the team before the season started, this brought a heightened sense of focus and understanding to the fellas. Despite their laundry list of division 1 commits I expect a lot out of those going to D’youville, Salve regina, and Misericordia this year, maybe not on the field but most definitely when it comes to obtaining and obliterating bag. 

3. Salisbury 

This team is full of zesty little twink dodgers, makes sense being mostly Maryland commits in the form of Braden Erksa regens. Dash Lamitie has been learning muay thai in the forests of upstate New York for years but it doesn’t change the fact that he terrifies women. 2-0 on the year but I could see these guys doing some damage in their league and on their parents Amexes once Trump reinstates Mango Juul pods. 

4. Brunswick 

These guys are perennial assholes but I’m here for it. Full of nailguns like Tucker Speiss, John Buttafuoco, Ryan Baxter. Being in Greenwich I reckon they all play every game geeked on adderal, which is sick, whatever it takes to make the hand shake statue guy proud ig. 

5. Benjamin school (FL)

I once had a pal named Benjamin, chill ass dude. How these mfs are 16 games into their season as a high school program I have no clue, they beat McDonough though which is cool, apparently they were chirping Brendan Millon about Brother McCabes unimpressive penis. 

6. Loomis chaffee

The Pelicans are some of our favorites at Upper Decky, Graham Wiggenhauser has visited the firm multiple times and brought back many gifts to his people at Loomis. I still have no idea how the fuck to pronounce Chaffee without sounding like an asshole, which I think is pretty sick. They have the pieces to make a run this year, I think they can do it if they all start icing their balls daily and refusing to touch receipts. 

7. Culver 

Its just now hitting me that Culver is located in the middle of fucking nowhere in Indiana, meaning Christian Hogan has no access to modern luxuries like cryotherapy and Thai ladyboys. Maybe that keeps them focused, they’ve only lost to St. Ants and otherwise have been thrashing teams. 

8. Lawrenceville 

These guys are quite good I just need to see more before ranking them higher. Hansen Peck just recently discovered the concept of ‘sagging’ and has been going to class with his ethika boxers partially visible. As this continues I anticipate the Big Red to keep winning, need Bohdi Healey to see more time and also Sawyer English to flip to Cuse. 

9. Hereford

Maybe a bit of a surprise here at 10 but I think the Bulls are coming different. In an attempt to avenge the arrest and conviction of Jack Callis, who briefly attended Hereford before going on a fucking coke bender, Hereford is going to run an aggressive unorthodox zone defense and 10 man ride all year and beat opponents by an average score of 3-2. 

10. Malvern

These guys have been playing just about anyone, which is nice, I just wish they would schedule Radnor. This is cowardly, but they are pretty fucking good. 

11. McDonough

Unfortunately since the tragic death of George Foreman the Eagles have off their game, Aidan Seibel stopped doing nightly kegels and overall team testosterone levels have dropped. Something needs to change here or the fabled 3 peat is gonna be unfathomable. 

12. WRA

They just haven’t been the same since Banks left, but after going 1-2 vs MIAA opponents I’d expect them to have their way with the rest of their midwestern schedule. They went on a midseason darkness retreat before facing St Edward today, expect them to clear like 8% and still win. 

13. Rye

I mean their defense is raw, I anticipate them running a fucking freight train on most of their schedule, the only thing that could stop them are maybe an unfortunately timed lightening strike or accusations from a massage therapist. 

14. Lambert (GA)

Had to put these guys on there at 12-0, and looking like they’ll go undefeated, but I think if they all but sniffed any of the other teams on this list they would get shelled, I am high on the ceiling of Andrew Pascarella though, great player.

15. Delbarton

Between Bo Popham and Will Pedicano the Green Wave not only have 2 top tier nailguns but defensemen as well. I would like to see them drop 40 on the shittiest team on their schedule and also start wearing more propeller hats, it would serve them well.  

16. Jamesville Dewitt

Team full of shaker bottles and sick haircuts, been high on them ever since I heard about Ben Porter's elite sock game and this teams offseason ritual of doing thousands of burpees without getting rhabdomyolysis.

17. Summit

I think this is the year for the Hilltoppers, I could see them dropping a few close ones but they will win out when they remember that one Abraham Lincoln quote, “I destroy my enemies when I enjoy hookers and bag”.

18. Garden City 

Having Scotty nelson (90% deaf) in cage with the two Cascadden brothers, these guys have a fair amount of talent they just need to hone their power. Owen Wuchte will bang your mom and Charlie Koester will sing you a song and then bang your mom. The whole team will be praying for esco passes until the cows come home, I’ll put the house on Ben Smith to win one (don’t let me down). 

19. St ignatius 

A bit of an underwhelming loss to Loyola Los Angeles, I think Tanner Olrich needs to come into full form by making and drinking a mixture with escargot, olive oil, and whatever scent Jeremy Fragrance is currently wearing. 

20. Radnor 

I want these guys to win out so bad, really tough to face Episcopal in the first game but once again I am livid that they aren’t playing Malvern Prep, I would most definitely fly out for that game with a 6 man entourage to watch the likes of Tommy Goldstein and company. 

21. Boys Latin 

After ripping a weekend getaway to Mar-a-lago and familiarizing their noses with the nation of Columbia, the Lakers lost a baddddd one to Lawrneceville by a score of 10-1. I really want these guys to be good, if they cover the spread or win vs Calvert Hall today I think they’re back to a top 10 team in the nation. 

22. Manhasset

These guys might be queuing up a down year after losing Matthew Im to graduation, great dude, I hope he doesn’t get catfished on tinder. A tough loss to a decent Cold Spring Harbor team, I am curious to see how this season pans out for these guys. 

23. Manasquan

The Warriors are poised for a very good season, a source close to the team told me that the Schneider brothers are slinging alabama hot pockets on the field and Kai Donahue (committed to the fabled Montclair State) has been putting seatbelts on a lot of dudes, no diddy. 

24. Arapahoe 

All I can think about is Nick Ossello’s hatred for these guys, I miss that damn podcast. 

Honorable mention

New Canaan 

Marshfield 

Any NEPSAC team

Wheat Ridge 

Hill Academy JV