Iona vs. Hampton- Ozzy
This matchup is arguably the biggest one on the slate this weekend, as one team will make history and the other will come up empty in their quest for a Division l win. Both Hampton and Iona have yet to earn a win against a Division One foe, but their stories are drastically different. Iona’s record against the comp is (0-1) and Hampton’s is (0-some bullshit there is to many losses to count). Hampton has been playing balsamic foreskin tag since their win over Wabash in ‘23 so they should be ready for this monumentous tilt. The is absolutely no intel on either team as Hampton’s leading scorer last year went for 12 points and Iona has scored two goals in the history of their program. Iona’s “leaders” are their sophomore class since the program is only two years old and has yet to have a recutuing class in college for longer than that period. It will be interesting to see if Hampton’s super seniors can analy gape the virgin Iona youngins. Our staff here at this firm all truly believe that the Pirates will steal this win away from the Gaels and take quite literally everything else in the process. 7-5 Pirates.
Delaware vs. Utah- Marcus
Delaware @ Utah. The spread is Utes -2.5 so I would probably take that with an ounce of caution, Brooks Bond might take advantage of the fact that Utah is an open carry state and roll thru with a fucking AK strapped to his back. He has been making girls cum since his first week on campus. The University of Utah is also at 4,700 feet above sea level, Delaware is like 15 feet above maybe. This could be devastating for the Blue Hens, but inside sources tell us that Ben DeLuca (Delaware HC) plans to address this issue with a pallet of geek bars shipped direct from manufacturer. He even got one with Flappy Bird on it for Kevin Ellington to play during timeouts. Utah should be riding high still after shelling Ohio State, we hear some fellas made the quick 50 minute drive to BYU and soaked with the entire women’s tennis team. Ian Ludewig was all up in that shit. Regardless, I expect Delaware to have serious issues with #45 Luke MuckNamara, Utes freshman attackman, who scored 5 goals last weekend with like 4 in the first half. Luke loves to do shrugs and talk about cars but also is always down to have a heartfelt conversation about faith. Cody Hart and Ryan Stines are also adept themselves. Given their proximity to Salt Lake City I would expect them to have immediate access to large amounts of coke. But also Delaware is bag country, so IDK who wins the sniff war here. If you rearrange Utah it makes Tuah. Needed to note. I got Utes in this one, 16-12.
Georgetown vs. Hopkins- Chetty
Another great game on the first REAL Saturday of college lacrosse. I am a huge fan of this Georgetown team, they return 2 of my favorite players in college lacrosse. Kade “fuck your bitch” Goldberg and Ty Banks. Kade Goldberg (Deerfield Legend) is the fucking man, and he’s finally getting the PT that he deserves now that DEI Dylan Hess graduated. Expect them to be rifling off chirps all game long at Russel Melendez (gay) about him being number 963 in Lily Phillips world record. I also heard Melendez founded the DEI club at Hopkins, and was barred from the Marquette GroupMe for sending guitar videos after they’d get Creampied by notre dame. The happiest day of my life was when DEI Melendez tried to do that dumb one handed goal to beat uva in the playoffs and then got welcomed to the fucking show by Ben Wayer (UVA legend). However, Hopkins has some shootas I’m a big fan of. Hunter Chauvette is clearly the fuckin future, this kids stroke is similar to mine when Im on twitter before bed. Patrick Hackler (Skaneatles and Team upper decky LEGEND) will put on a d mid clinic and probably shove Jordan Wray into the ground and coach miliman will bench him for a hate crime. That said I think Gtown gets this done, can’t forget about Anderson “Robert E Lee” Moore in the cage for the Hoyas and Fulton Baymen (Gtown MBA merchant) running around on attack
Loyola vs. Maryland- Ford
Normally, I don’t cover D1, but there's potential for a barn burner happening this weekend, John Tillman’s Maryland team is going up against Loyola in Baltimore. Maryland is the best team in the Big 10, and has some studs at the offensive like Eric Spanos, Braden Erksa, and some impact transfers in Bryce Ford, Jack Dowd (D3, grit) and Matthew Keegan who had 5 points against a solid team in Richmond. Maryland’s offense looks more high powered than last year, and they also got a boost to their rope unit with Zack Goorno who was the best D mid in all of D3 lacrosse in 2023 and 2024. Maryland had a good game against the Spiders, beating them 12-7. Loyola just came off a loss to Georgetown, where they got more than doubled up 13-6. Matthew Minicus is now the best offensive player for Loyola, and only one Loyola goal in that game was unassisted. That might seem good to some rec coaches, but if a team doesn’t have many guys that can actually create any offense for themselves, they will have a really tough time getting any numbers on the board. Especially with Logan McNaney back in net and the fact that he’s starting to look like his old self, I think that this is gonna be a really tough hill to climb for Loyola. Loyola smoked them in 2023, and Maryland was also coming off a dominant Richmond win then just like they are now, so if you’re a Loyola fan take from that what you will. Either they are going to get a train on them, or it is going to be an insane upset.
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