Gentlemen, I would like to start off by saying you're welcome. 2/2 on official picks on the weekend (let's take a moment and appreciate that BOTH picks were + money) and 2/2 on unofficial Tuesday picks because I'm the fucking man. You would think someone with as much ball knowledge as me would keep it to themselves, make a boatload of cash, buy a mansion on the beach in California next to the BLM founders (frauds), and fuck off for the rest of my life but I'm a man of the people and it brings me joy to share my picks with you beauties. So let's stay hot here.
2025 Season Record
Record: 2-0
Risk: $150.00
Winnings: $319.00
Net Gain/Loss: +169.00
As you all saw on instagram, I decided to double up on Rutgas and boy did that pay off. Colin Kelly lead the way for the boys and holy fuck is that guy a unit. I mean seriously what the fuck is anyone supposed to do against a dude who's built like that besides try to break his wrists and ribcage. Navy looked great as well which is fucking awesome because NCAA lacrosse is better when the service academies are ranked and they look ready to be top 20 all year.
As for this week, we have about 17,000 games on Saturday and I'm very much looking forward to cracking open a fresh handle of Jack around 9:45am and gluing myself to JRock's dad's 3rd Nantucket house's mega couch in the NFL room and watching every single game at once. For any AWLs out there, it looks a lot like Barstool's gambling cave, except it isn't filled with like 3 cool guys and a bunch of random mouth breathers that no one cares about, it's filled with a large group of former D1/D3 lax guys who are all in possession of copious amounts booze, drugs, and (legal) firearms and who enjoy watching ball and getting fucked up with their absolute boys. Should be a fucking awesome weekend. Speaking of awesome weekends, someone who will not be having an awesome weekend is McCabe Millon. By the time you're reading this, you'll probably know what I'm talking about. Yes, I've already seen it, and yes, I could have told you it was that small without seeing it. You would think after all the Carson Beck stuff that "big time" college athletes would be a little more intelligent and a little less aggressively horny on social media but I get it. Sometimes testosterone gets the best of us. Anyways, let's get into my week 1 picks.
Denver -6.5 @ Air Force. -115
Wager: $100 to pay: $186.95
NJIT -2 vs. St. John's. -115
Wager: $50 to pay: $93.47
Remember last week when I said, and I quote, "only a guy like Tampon Tim would pick against one of our great nation's service academies."? Well I hereby officially amend that statement to read: "only a guy like Tampon Tim would pick against our great nation's Army or Naval academies." because Air Force is going to get blown out. Look, I get that Denver beat them by 2 last year. I get that they had a solid record last year (some have said mickey mouse schedule). But the thing about me is I don't give a fuck about any of that shit, I care about winning bets. And this year's Denver team is in a completely different league than Air Force. I can't lie, Air Force lowkey has some swaggy uniforms but swag doesn't put points on the board. As for NJIT, everyone knows they were America's team last year and were super fun to watch as they put up a historic season for their program. To be completely honest, this pick has nothing to do with NJIT. I have no idea whatsoever if they're any better, any worse, or exactly the same as last year. This pick is based on one fact and one fact only: St. John's fucking blow. I bet against them way too many times last year (because it always worked) and forced myself to watch some absolutely awful lacrosse. This year, I have created a list of teams that are banned from my presence and St. John's is on that list. My plan is to throw $50 against St. John's, forget that I did it, focus mainly on Michigan vs. UNC, remember that I did it when I go to check on other scores around the NCAA, see that NJIT won by like 4, and be happy. #NiceStrategyTan
Let's stay hot here gentlemen. I hope you all enjoy a booze-filled opening weekend of college lacrosse, and let's keep rolling over Vegas until DraftKings gets fed up and pays me millions to be a sellout #DKPartner and give out awful picks. 🆓🍻🔜
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