Alright fellas, let’s cut the bullshit and stop beating around the bush. Can we finally get down to the brass tax of what it takes to be a high-caliber recruit in this new lacrosse era? The days of wallball, cone drills, and sprints are over. In order to be a sought-after prospect these days, you have to be a keg-standin’, dick slangin’, bag-touchin’ piece of mass that no coach would want to pass up on. This blog is essential for all 2026s that can be recruited in a couple of weeks, and for the 2025s who may seriously need to reconsider their commitment.
First of all, if you don’t booze, you are a huge pussy. And second of all, if that last sentence offends you, then you are still a huge pussy and need to drink a fucking beer. You are sadly mistaken if you think the recruiting process is about ripping a BTB at Naptown or going low to high at NLF in front of Joe Breschi or Peter Milliman. Imagine this: you just face fucked FCA Afghanistan and are on your way to do illegal things at the afters. Coaches aren’t going to be concerned about your swim dodge earlier that day- they are going to be watching how you work the room. Can you charm the crowd with a beer in hand and keep the jokes rolling? Can you down shots while your boy is gripping the bowl next to you? Can you finger blast the barmaid while sipping a Jaeger and Coke? Or will you become weak in the knees and have piss running down your leg?
In a recent interview with a Duke assistant coach, he detailed how railing blow and banging whores will ultimately get you at the top of his list. Another key point he talked about was always having a pack of Newports on hand at tournaments. One thing the left doesn’t want you to know is that in between games at Maverick Showtime, all the coaches go behind the bleachers and chain-smoke cigarettes until someone passes out.
All in all, if you truly want that 5-star ranking from Inside Lacrosse, then by all means, continue to play wallball, run hills, and put your body through a pathetic torture chamber of hell only to end up committing to SUNY Maritime. But, if you truly love the game and want that 5-Star Upper Decky rating, then continue to crush bag, cum in chicks, and get really fucking drunk every weekend. Who knows, maybe you’ll be the man that reunites America and turns this country into Duke Mens Lacrosse circa 2006.
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