Good tiding to all of you eightball-rippin, long dick slangin and elf bar cheefing lacrosse connoisseurs! Believe it or not, Marcus and I are going to be talking about D2 lacrosse today! These are some of the grittiest teams and aren't often talked about. They offer athletic scholarships so players care but also have the most random teams in the whole country, so it is easy to get off task at D2 schools and pipe a dirty. I would never send my son Gaige to Chowan or Mount Olive! Let’s get into the rankings.
Limestone Based off what my Ouija board has been saying the Saints are a clear front runner to win the natty as of right now. They just beat LR and have gaped every other opponent. The race for the SAC will run through Gaffney, SC and Hickory, NC. Limestone will be a top 2 seed in the tourney.
Rollins God these guys rub me the wrong way but they know how play lax. They also know how to rip coke. And used daddy’s Amex card to buy 8balls. There is some promise in Winter Park this Spring but will the Tars have enough Colombian bam bam to last them through May? Time will only tell.
Lenoir Rhyne the boys over in Hickory can play, but seem to still have a bit of a hangover from last May. They beat Tampa this year but won a close game against Anderson and just lost to Limestone. There is plenty of 100 Proof to go around so I see the Bears being a top 4 seed but not winning the natty again.
Tampa This team is back yet again and are making their case to be a D2 blue blood. They have a signature win over Wingate and head into a very tough SSC Conference schedule. That conference is still kinda up for grabs right now despite Rollins being #2, so the SSC could potentially be a 3 bid league. Canyon Birch is trans.
Newberry? Frauds? This team is fucking fraudulent even though they just be Indy (perhaps another fraudulent team). They’re a Mickey mouse 6-0 and will get ran through come SAC play. Newberry will not make the tourney unless they outfit their coaching staff with iPads and have a midget named Hermes spoon feed them stats throughout the game, this was revealed to me in a dream.
Adelphi: heard these guys showed up hung against Rollins and that they got ahold of Brennan oneills Long Island tren dealer early in the fall. Lot of expectations but I think these guys are one drug test away from disappointment. Expect these guys to go far if they can stay away from the underage Long Island birds, I know they’re tempting.
Mercy: Actually a pretty good team, lost a close one to Adelphi but beat seton hill and Bentley. They retain a lot of experience from years past just need to start getting the fellas laid on a regular basis to keep the team loose. Just take the train south to the city and bang a skank, it does the job during the dry season.
Bentley : These guys are off to a pretty decent start, I don’t see them going very far though once the ketamine plug brings up a load next weekend and Nate Alviti relapses for like two months. A whole lotta 3mgs and hard dicks in the showers, not enough syringes on the weekends.
St anselm: Not really sure what to think about these guys, they put together a great game against Mercyhurst but couldn’t quite hang with Bentley. Relatively early in their season though so I think they’ll round out and have a legit shot. A team trip to the strip club and maybe dabble in some hallucinogens would do wonders for chemistry and propel them to championship weekend.
Wingate The bulldogs are off to a decent start but need to have some urgency going into a loaded SAC conference play. They dropped one to Florida Southern and Tampa so can’t really afford more than two in conference losses. They will be fighting to make the tourney unless they win their conference. Willie Greico is a bull dyke.
Indy Another fraudulent team. They beat an extremely mid Mercyhurst but don’t have any signature wins. The Greyhounds can’t afford to drop a conference game or they will be ripping 8balls in Cancun on Memorial Day weekend.
Seton hill: What’s there to do in Greensburg, PA? Make moonshine? Weave baskets? Well I’ve heard these boys oil each other up and have cult-like orgys. Also hearing that they have a staggering number of android users. Despite this I really like Nate ‘red rocket’ herbster to win the bachelor in 2030, please date my daughter.
Florida southern Them boys in Lakeland know how to sling the rock around but have shown flashes of brilliance and inconsistency. An early season win against then #3 Wingate can be a résumé booster in May, but an overtime loss to Montevallo at home could potentially burst any bubble come selection Sunday. I look forward to seeing what the Mocs can do.
Mercyhurst: The lakers are on fraud watch after getting pumped by St anselm, however I expect them to bounce back and find their rhythm by shit kicking their conference. Hearing reports that their coach is starting to pull some Tillman level bullshitting tactics, shame on you. I can see them beating seton hill and perhaps making the tourney if they can figure out how to win a clamp, maybe start putting 6’5 punisher Steven Morley at the x and let him helicopter his dick.
Pace: seeing straight though their Mickey Mouse 4-0 record, they won’t really be tested until Adelphi and bentley but without any tough non conference play to push them over the edge I don’t foresee them making the tourney at this rate, unless they can upset one of the top 3 ne10 teams.
Frostburg : Really questionable team here, will see what they got against Bentley this week but not really expecting much from the panthers unless they get in touch with the frostburg women’s basketball team, sometimes all you need is to climb a giraffe.
Maryville This is questionable but they are frisky and playing decent lax. They had Wingate on the ropes a couple weeks ago and are strong contenders for their conference. Indy is in their way but Maryville can turn some heads. I heard the blow in Missouri makes your tip shrink.
Davenport These guys are 7-0 and are like the cocaine bear of d2 lacrosse right now. They might get curbstomped by Indy but until then they are skiing up in Michigan.
Colorado Mesa: Interesting to think we wouldn’t have these guys if not for the Louisiana purchase. They go down to Florida this week where their hopes may go to die unfortunately, I don’t see them faring too well against Tampa or Florida Southern, might beat Flagler though. If they get 2 wins down in the sunshine state expect them high in our rankings next week, bar tab on coach.
William Juul: This is a joke these guys blow horn. Get ready for Maryville’s big veiny cock
#D2IsntReal